Jessica, Jessica, Jessica… We need to talk. I’m willing to admit that I used to be a fan, even though it’s embarrassing. Yes, I own the “In This Skin” CD. Yes, it’s even the one with the bonus tracks, where you inexplicably remade a Robbie Williams song, complete with the releasing of doves in the video. And I was oddly fascinated by your life on “Newlyweds.” But then there was the divorce, the cheating rumors, that “Dukes of Hazzard” car washing scene that made the rest of your videos look like Fellini films and… you lost me. But I was still kind of hoping that you would lay off the self-tanner and pull yourself together at some point. So in honor of my former fandom, when I saw your Dessert Treats line on super clearance sale at Sephora (never a good sign), I decided to test it out.
The scent is definitely dessert-esque, like a sugary cupcake icing, but it leaves a faint trace of alcohol behind. Odd. The lotion itself is fine, although nothing special. It’s a very thin consistency, so it’s not for those with dry skin, although since it’s being marketed as “deliciously kissable body frosting,” I’m guessing that’s not the demo you’re aiming for anyway. It absorbs nicely, leaving the scent to linger. In fact, hours after I put it on, I was surprised by the waves of butterscotch toffee I could still smell when I raised my arm. It’s so sweet though, I’d be scared to walk outside for fear of getting attacked by a swarm of hungry mosquitoes. It’s the kind of lotion twelve year-old girls love before they’re old enough to appreciate Crème de la Mer. Overall, Jess, I’m not sorry I bought it, but I don’t think I’d pay full price for another bottle. Unless, of course, I start dating someone soon. Then all body frosting purchase bets are off.
P.S. Please give Nick his half of the money you made while you were married. He earned it by having to smile and pretend your dad/manager didn’t creep the hell out of him on a daily basis. Also, your creepy dad/manager is the one who got you into this position in the first place – remember how he wouldn’t let you sign the prenup that Nick wanted when you guys got married WAYYYYY back in 2002? Just because your greedy dad/manager has changed his mind doesn’t mean Nick didn’t put in the work. He deserves his half of those millions. Just give it to him. It’ll be good beauty karma, I promise.
